A Turn

Sometimes life is such a funny thing.  When I think I begin to figure things out, it takes a drastic turn and swing me out of balance.  It’s like as though it’s teasing me, asking “Are you sure that’s what you want?”.

For months I have been stuck in a certain mindset.  I have been chasing my own tail and trying to figure a way out.  Just when I thought I have decided, my life changed.  I have a social life now.  I actually have a social life.  I have friends to hang out with and finally I feel somewhat a sense of belonging here.  It has made the days a lot easier and has eased the feeling of isolation.

I am feeling less frustrated but the question still remains…

“Do I really want to go back to work end of this year?”

This change feels like a distraction.  It may be sufficient to distract me for a year, to overcome certain issues within me but I suspect it will not solve the root of the problem.

So how?

I have decided to let time decide.  I still have time.  I will let it show me the way.  Somehow I believe when the time comes, I will know what to do.  It is like painting on the canvas.  You can keep painting and changing but it will come a time when I have to stop, take a step back and let the paint dry.  It will help to gain some perspective.

Now is the time to sit and wait and let the events unfold.

There may be something round that turn afterall.

Weekend.. Weekend

This week has been a great relief.  It is as though the clouds have finally lifted and then this sense of comfort descended.  Sleep’s uneventful and all through the night which is a refreshing change.

So after a peaceful week, I am all ready for this coming weekend.  A friend’s invited us over to their place for  a big gathering.  She will be cooking some middle eastern dishes which are not commonly found in restaurants.  I think this will be the almost the full strength of the Singaporean group in Kuwait.

On Saturday, a few of us will be heading to Crowna Plaza to try out this Mother’s Day special – Aquatonic Spa  (here).  I know I know I am not a mother but they have allowed all women to make use of that promotion   I am looking forward.   This is my first time to a spa.

A Whiff of Desert Wind

I haven’t written for weeks… Actually I haven’t really written for months…  My mind’s vacant but yet not idle.  It’s been going round and round, spiraling dangerously out of control.

My mind has gone from left to right, debated constantly on “stay, don’t stay.. work, don’t work… Guilt, more guilt”.  Oh I don’t know anymore.

I am restless, bored and agitated.  For the strangest reason I even questioned myself why can’t I just be contented that my life is and can be simple and uncomplicated?  Why do I want to contemplate pursuing a career back home when financially I don’t need to?

Somehow some thing’s missing in my life.  I think I know what it is but at this moment that’s attached to a bucket load of guilt.  The purpose of my life vs making sacrifices.  For now I am like a trapped bull turning my horns in a corner… I simply cannot see my way out.

The other day I tried to explain all these to hubby.  I sensed that he didn’t quite see my point.  He said we have a comfortable life now (which is true), we have a stable income despite the unstability everywhere else (uh huh).. and he suggested that perhaps frequent visits home may help (sigh).   I tried telling him that these days my “official” designation is “P’s wife”.  That’s all I am these days.  Someone’s wife.  My friends here are mostly wives of hubby’s colleagues and sometimes they don’t remember my name but will recall that I am s0meone’s wife.

I get a sense that’s how I will gradually be defined over time and that didn’t feel right by me.

So as I was still trying to piece my thoughts together and verbalise them, hubby responded with “But I am here with you and you get along well with your friends here”…  How do I explain that I need my own friends, I need an identity, I need to be myself.

That conversation ended with me feeling more frustrated and guilty.

Then over this week, the desert wind brought in a bundle of surprises… It uncovered not 1, not 2 but at least 8 other Singaporeans living in Kuwait.  The new Singapore Airline office in Kuwait brought about a new focal point.  It brought the group of us together. We are no longer just a handful and suddenly we didn’t feel so isolated and alone out here anymore.

And yesterday after the day out at the desert with our new found friends, hubby finally said “I think I know what you mean now.  Today I am Y’s husband”.

Flight Full of Heavy Hearts

The flight to London today was unexpectedly difficult.  It wasn’t the weather nor the turbulence but rather this flight had to carry 3 patients from Kuwait to London.

Before boarding we saw 3 ambulances pulled up next to the plane and one by one they moved the patients aboard.  From afar, I could see one was seemingly sedated while the other two were visibly conscious and were aware of their surroundings.  It turned out we were seated by the aisle next to the lady who was sedated and strapped to the makeshift bed.  She had tubes inserted and intravenous drip throughout the entire trip and she was taken care by a doctor and a nurse.

Today’s flight was unexpectedly difficult emotionally.  It’s not an easy sight to see 3 patients lying strapped throughout the flight.  It is definitely not something one gets to see often in a plane and I’d imagine it’s an extremely stressful trip to make.  Fortunately everyone was quiet and considerate. Hopefully it turns out well for them.

Where is the Sun????

It’s been almost a week of cloudy and smoggy skies.  It is as though a thick layer of dust has descended upon us and is refusing to lift.

I believe I haven’t seen the sun for days…  I know I will probably regret saying this but I do miss the clear blue sky and feeling the warmth of the sun.  This weather is weighing my moods down as well.  I need the sunny weather soon.

On a separate note, tomorrow we are heading out to London for a few days and guess what?  Weather forecasts promise the good old grey London skies ahead   for the coming days.    Sigh.. Sun oh sun.. when will I see thee again?

An Expat Story

This is one of those stories that we probably hear time and time again and then we think perhaps most expats are the same…

During my stay in this country, I got to know this guy A.  A introduced himself as a regular expat who had worked in numerous countries, was a divorcee and had a female partner.  Some people had problems with this “partner” status.  What is that?  I chose to interpret it as they were in a committed relationship but decided they would not marry.

Over time as we got to know A better.  We saw him as an affable guy who pretty much got along with most people, who took life with a pinch of salt and faced it with a  good sense of humour.  We even met his partner when she came over to visit periodically.  All seem cordial and nice until A met C.

For a while, we were baffled by the nature of the relationship between A and C.  A claimed there was nothing between them.  Honest he said.  But as folks often say, actions do speak louder than words.   I did think otherwise.  A’s partner somehow got wind of the potential relationship and tried to fish information from me.  I revealed nothing, because the fact was, I knew nothing.  I sensed something was on, but then a woman’s intuition is not sufficient to be justified as fact.  So I told her frankly that I don’t know what’s happening and she should speak with A to clarify.

This went on for weeks and months and over this time I got to know C much better.  We have come to be friends.  Did I feel that I am betraying anyone with this friendship?  No.  I somehow thought that this was A’s mess to sort out.  I had my gut feelings about certain things but I kept it between my husband and I.  Afterall, like I said, gut feelings are not facts.

One day, A dropped a bombshell saying he’s getting married to his partner.  I cannot believe it.  He said he wasn’t going to get married again and secondly, the last time we saw them together, they weren’t exactly on amiable terms.  Despite that announcement, A and C were still always together.  Throughout these times, I held my tongue and pray that A will tell C his wedding plans…

He didn’t.

He packed and left the country, promising C that he will be back to be with her.  He even told her that he’s not getting married.

And she had to hear it from me.  It is absolutely heartbreaking.  She asked me how can A not even have the decency to tell her himself.. I wish I had an answer.  I wish I know what he was thinking so at least I can soothe her breaking heart.  I can’t.  I can’t even reconcile in my head the person I thought I knew with his recent actions.  At least I have never seen him as one of those expat guys who swing into town and leave with a trail of broken hearts.  Then again, perhaps he had masked it so well that we were all fooled by that charm.

Today, I realised… A had made promises he couldn’t keep.  He had hurt C.  He didn’t have the decency nor courage to do what he needed to do.  He wasn’t the person we thought he was afterall.

It is a horrible feeling.  For once, I wish he will not come back.

Updates

I have been quiet on this blog for a while.  Haven’t been in much mood to write unfortunately.  Last week I took up this “Teaching of Children with Dyslexia” course and boy was it intensive!  We had 4 days of lecture to do 5 modules and 5 assignments to complete all in a week.  It was an insightful course and the lecturer was definitely inspiring but the schedule was a little too tight for my liking.

When my course completed, I continued with my painting which I had been working on for 2 weeks.  It is finally finished and I am happy with how it turned out.  I brushed on a layer of vanish on it today and it’s done.

This shall hang in my living room in Singapore   Some of you may see it there in the near future.

Memory of a Friend

A friend of mine passed away yesterday. She fought long and hard against cancer, but in the end, it still took her away.

Many people say death reminds us of life but this is a painful reminder for anyone to bear.  I met her just over the new year in Singapore.  We had lunch.  I remembered feeling shocked to see her in a wheelchair and somehow something told me then that may be the last time I would be seeing her.  Not once I asked about her illness.  Not once did she bring it up.  We talked just about everything else except that.  I remember her parting words to me were ” Remember you have  your own  life to live.”

Since I heard about her demise today, the scene of our lunch kept playing over and over in my head.  Almost as though I am afraid I will forget it.  As though I may forget her.

She’s one of those friends you hardly meet up but yet everytime you manage to reconnect seamlessly.  She’s one of those who will unexpectedly say something out of the blue and make you realise she does understand what you are going through.  We aren’t physically close but I always feel connected with her.

Many times, we don’t say what we ought to say to people who are around.  We leave our best words and compliments only when they leave.  Only then do we express our regrets.  Death has taught me not to take things for granted.  Taught me not to leave anyone with angry words.   Taught me we have to consciously remember to express our appreciation to the people we care about.  Taught me to ask myself these questions… “Have I done what I had intended to do in my life?  Have I touched someone with my existence?   Have I lived and loved?”  Then I will not have lived in vain.

Home Away From Home

Yesterday was our chinese new year dinner with our Singapore/Malaysia friends in Kuwait.  What a feast!  We had duck and chicken, vegetables, tofu, more chicken, beef, shrimps, squids, dumplings and yu sheng!  It wasn’t as easy to get certain things here but we improvised and made do and had a swell time nevertheless.

It was interesting how this gathering had an uplifting effect on all of us.  We talked so much and ate much more.  One commented she had waited 12 years to have pineapple tarts here in Kuwait during cny.  It was poignant and yet joyous at the same time.  Sad because some of us may be leaving Kuwait soon.  4 months ago, we thought we will still be all here for a couple of years, but we are all painfully aware how none of us are spared from the economy crisis.  Though we are comforted that at least we still have each other to share pineapple tarts and yu sheng.

For that moment, we could have been back in Singapore.

All the time spent slaving in the kitchen was definitely worth it

One night, a friend dropped in these few words on my msn.

“Dont’ be sad.  Learn to let go.  Rather than suffer in the long term”

How did he know?  At that hour in the night, I was deep in my thoughts.  Thinking about what I have to let go.  Feeling kind of lost and to some extend disheartened… like not being able to do anything about this dull ache in my heart.

Then these words flashed on my screen.

As though He knew and understand…

“Don’t be sad.  Learn to let go.”

Maybe it’s better this way.